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Kickstarter Roundup: October 18, 2020 | 25+ Ending Soon (including: Cascadia) & 65+ New This Week (including: Project L: Finesse)
What this is:
This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter board game projects that are either:
newly posted in the past 7 days, or
ending in the next 7 days (starting Oct 19) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.
All board game projects meeting those criteria will automatically be included, no need to ask. (The occasional non-board game project may also sneak in!) Expect new lists each Sunday sometime between midnight and noon PST.
Ending Soon
Project Info
Players
Backers
Min / Avg Pledge
Ends
Comments
Mighty Armies: Invasion The dead have risen! The living must form armies as they combat the forces of foul necromancers. Welcome to Invasion. // Has raised $1,905 of $500 so far. (~381%) ☑
Brew & Fool! A card game where alchemists can cooperate or betray one another by using super cute spells // Has raised S$8,215 of S$9,000 so far. (~91%)
Herbaceous - Pocket Edition A new, compact version of Herbaceous that's just as relaxing and beautiful as the original // Has raised $30,227 of $4,500 so far. (~672%) ☑
Impression A strategy board game about printing with unique mechanisms for 2-4 players by Attila Szőgyi (Prehistory) and Csaba Hegedűs (Sakura). // Has raised €28,771 of €15,000 so far. (~192%) ☑
Neko Harbour: The Card Game A strategy card game that brings 2-4 players to see penguins in Antarctica! // Has raised €6,312 of €5,000 so far. (~126%) ☑
Dungeon Fighter A cooperative dexterity game for 1-6 players where you throw dice at a target in whimsical ways to defeat monsters in a deadly dungeon! // Has raised €362,777 of €40,000 so far. (~907%) ☑
ROBOTS! Try to build powerful robots while players interfere with construction efforts. It's a simple game with many different ways to win. // Has raised $2,424 of $1,000 so far. (~242%) ☑
SLEEP TIGHT Drag your fears into the light and escape the Sandman in this action card game by waking up and saving your soul before dawn // Has raised $8,129 of $3,500 so far. (~232%) ☑
Warfighter Fantasy Warfighter expands into the World of Fantasy! This new Era is fully compatible with all other Warfighter products! // Has raised $81,391 of $20,000 so far. (~407%) ☑
Cascadia A puzzly tile-laying game featuring the habitats and wildlife of the Pacific Northwest with gorgeous artwork by Beth Sobel! // Has raised $218,459 of $8,000 so far. (~2731%) ☑
Lord of the Chords: Bach for an Encore! The Punniest Music Theory Card Game - Kickstarter-Exclusive Foil Cards - $230K+ Previously Raised - 6000 First Edition Copies SOLD OUT // Has raised S$163,632 of S$15,000 so far. (~1091%) ☑
Gatefall: Lost in the North Woods Expansion The first expansion to Gatefall, with characters created by artist Alexei Konev. // Has raised $69,441 of $35,000 so far. (~198%) ☑
Cybersplit Sci-Fi\Cyberpunk resin miniatures for painters, collectors, and tabletop games.28mm, 54mm, 75mm // Has raised C$6264 of C$6000 so far. (~104%) ☑
Gun and Gun A fast-paced competitive card game featuring action-packed 1v1 duels and a two-deck draft system, brought to you straight from Japan. // Has raised $35,741 of $10,000 so far. (~357%) ☑
MAGDA --The Card Game Travel the Universe in this Solo-Play Card Game inspired by 80's sci-fi thrillers. But beware, your AI has grown sentient--and deadly. // Has raised $10,678 of $3,000 so far. (~356%) ☑
GEMJI > Limitless Tabletop Experience Multigame System Ultra-compact hybrid magnetic play system that now does 30+ different games and is a 3D constructor, too. But also so much more! SUB! // Has raised $37,483 of $8,000 so far. (~469%) ☑
Shaolia 2nd print & expansion A fast-paced, dueling game of fantasy kingdom building filled with deadly strategy & clever tactics // Has raised $54,571 of $20,000 so far. (~273%) ☑
The Rise Of Obliterarium - Fantasy Miniatures Four outstanding clans full of attitude in 75mm-scale resin miniatures for gaming, painting, and collecting. // Has raised €17,675 of €15,000 so far. (~118%) ☑
Cartographers Heroes + 3 Map Pack Expansions The stand-alone follow up to the critically acclaimed map-drawing game - Cartographers: A Roll Player Tale. // Has raised $281,837 of $20,000 so far. (~1409%) ☑
Mother of Frankenstein An immersive puzzle game based on the life of Mary Shelley, author of Frankenstein // Has raised $168,002 of $33,000 so far. (~509%) ☑
(s)T(r)UMPED - Make America Guess (s)T(r)UMPED - "Trump Against Humanity" - Make America Guess Again! Testing your REAL NEWS knowledge against your FAKE NEWS knowledge! // Has raised $97 of $2,500 so far. (~4%)
Alien Puppies A Strategic Card Game Adventure with Cyberpunk Puppies. Collect Alien Puppies and avoid Barkmageddon! 🐶 🚀 // Has raised S$14,299 of S$7,000 so far. (~204%) ☑
Anti-Social Skills A party game written by comedians, so you know it's written good! // Has raised $6,594 of $10,000 so far. (~66%)
3+
179
$25 / $37
Nov 12
Banana Hammock Banana Hammock is a fast paced game about monkeying over your friends and scoring Bunches of Bananas! // Has raised $3,232 of $7,499 so far. (~43%)
Band Grab A fast-moving strategy card game for 2-6 players. Collect. Steal. Scheme... And get ready to rock! 🎸 // Has raised A$3,241 of A$8,500 so far. (~38%)
Campaign Trail: Second Edition and Green Party Expansion The remarkably UNPOLITICAL asymmetrical political strategy game about American electoral politics for 1-8 players now has an expansion! // Has raised $56,761 of $20,000 so far. (~284%) ☑
Create Your Dictator A game that enables you to become the mastermind behind a new world order. Which dictator will you put forward to rule the world? // Has raised €1,225 of €90,000 so far. (~1%)
2 - 4
36
$36 / €34
Dec 15
Crescent City Cargo + Captains of the Gulf Reprint Come on down to the Mississipi River and start your lucrative logistics business in the most important hub of commerce. // Has raised $35,412 of $5,000 so far. (~708%) ☑
Cricket the Card Game The most competitive cricket game ever made. // Has raised $13 of $17,000 so far. (~0%)
2
4
$15 / $3
Nov 13
Dirty Money: The Money Laundering Game Manage a global money laundering network by funneling dirty money into artworks and businesses while avoiding government blacklists // Has raised S$6,312 of S$5,000 so far. (~126%) ☑
Drakar Drakar is an sci-fi indie microRPG that uses dominoes and a d6 to determine the fate of a spacecraft in search of a new homeworld. // Has raised £1,836 of £200 so far. (~918%) ☑
1 - 5
85
$11 / £22
Nov 11
#rpg
Field of Screams A cooperative tabletop RPG for 2-6 players where speaking might get you killed! // Has raised $15,958 of $17,500 so far. (~91%)
Gem Hunt An open-world, adventure board game packed with countless twists and turns for incredible replayability... // Has raised $2,634 of $25,000 so far. (~11%)
Help Arrives! (Spanish Civil War) Tactical wargame about the Spanish Civil War and international aid. Realistic simulation hex&counter wargame with 800+ counters! // Has raised €25,883 of €15,000 so far. (~173%) ☑
Is That Banana Loaded?® Adventure edition expansion pack New 16 card expansion pack for Is That Banana Loaded?® - the crazy weapons dice and card game for families, adults, teens and kids. // Has raised £143 of £300 so far. (~48%)
Juegorama Board Game Masks Kickstarter Exclusives Masks for board games lovers! 85 washes, reusable, comfortable, double layer and approved norm CWA17553:2020 // Has raised €1,730 of €1,950 so far. (~89%)
-
26
$18 / €67
Oct 30
#bling
Kabuto Sumo Board Game Turn into a tough beetle with a bad attitude and force your opponents out of the ring in this disc-pushing board game. // Has raised $109,581 of $10,000 so far. (~1096%) ☑
MERCHANTS OF INFINITY ! The re-launch of MERCHANTS OF INFINITY! Lower prices, extra content, Sci-fi and Steampunk adventures, set in spaaaace! // Has raised £3,516 of £20,000 so far. (~18%)
Misfit Card Game - Warrior Edition A fun and quick card game, that gives even the extreme ADHD, anti-card game folks, a fun game to play! // Has raised $420 of $500 so far. (~84%)
?
12
$15 / $35
Nov 05
Mr. Cabbagehead's Garden returns! A reprint of the terrifyingly illustrated quirky game of competitive gardening for 1-2 players by Todd Sanders. // Has raised $21,824 of $1,000 so far. (~2182%) ☑
Naughty Elves A Christmas Card Game For Naughty Boys and Girls // Has raised $612 of $50,000 so far. (~1%)
2 - 5
20
$25 / $31
Nov 06
Nuts N Guts High pace & highly entertaining casual variation of poker made with an original deck of cards combining both hand cards and wild cards // Has raised $1,256 of $5,000 so far. (~25%)
OVERMAGE a fun-focused card game with secret, random win conditions // Has raised $862 of $2,000 so far. (~43%)
?
14
$60 / $62
Nov 12
Pets'n'Pirates A card game for modern pirates who love Tactical Penguins and fear the Kraken. Everybody should fear the Kraken. // Has raised £3,104 of £4,300 so far. (~72%)
Pretty Princess Pomelo The power of Friendship, Love, and Vitamin C! // Has raised C$1564 of C$36000 so far. (~4%)
2 - 4
26
$26 / C$60
Nov 14
Project L: Finesse A fast-paced, tile-matching, engine building game with recessed puzzle boards and vibrant acrylic pieces for 1-5 players. // Has raised €219,228 of €15,000 so far. (~1462%) ☑
Push Up Poppies - The Tabletop Card Game Feel the rush of managing an Afghani poppy plantation where anything is possible and nothing is fair. // Has raised CHF1,029 of CHF4,000 so far. (~26%)
2 - 6+
20
$21 / CHF51
Nov 05
Putrescence Regnant Ear-shattering, rot reeking bog crawl for MÖRK BORG // Has raised $42,467 of $5,000 so far. (~849%) ☑
?
1122
$10 / $38
Oct 30
#rpg
Radioactive Bees An innovative tile-stacking game in which mutant bees build 3D radioactive honeycombs // Has raised $6,047 of $5,000 so far. (~121%) ☑
Red Ocean A strategy board game about business // Has raised £1 of £25,500 so far. (~0%)
2 - 4
1
$91 / £1
Nov 03
RiddleUp: The modern parlor game A parlor game that connects the digital and analog world. // Has raised CHF106 of CHF78,000 so far. (~0%)
2 - 6
2
$14 / CHF53
Nov 16
Roll Z App Based Board game PNP A solitarie, real time, dice management game with App powered experience! Zombies are roaming and you are running out of time... // Has raised €439 of €200 so far. (~219%) ☑
1
52
$4 / €8
Nov 12
Shards of the Jaguar A "dungeon-deduction" game, where you play the heroes and the dungeon as well. Set secret traps and outsmart the others! // Has raised €17,928 of €15,000 so far. (~120%) ☑
Sneks A Cool Card Game // Has raised $1,987 of $10,000 so far. (~20%)
2 - 4
13
$20 / $153
Nov 12
Space Dinos Voyage through space in this tile laying, dice rolling, constellation building game for the entire family! // Has raised $1,370 of $1,100 so far. (~125%) ☑
TacTiki A challenging strategy memory game for 2 players with beautiful miniatures and smart gameplay. // Has raised £47,207 of £10,000 so far. (~472%) ☑
That's a You Problem Make your friends go mad while solving the problems in the world in this casual card game. // Has raised C$1356 of C$8000 so far. (~17%)
2 - 8
62
$22 / C$22
Nov 16
The Escape Box: Mysterious Puzzle Adventures An escape room in a box featuring bespoke narratives that unfold as you progress. Find clues, mechanical puzzles and unique artifacts. // Has raised C$18399 of C$10000 so far. (~184%) ☑
1 - 6
124
$59 / C$148
Nov 12
The Ranch - Fences Expansion Pack Expansions to the 2019 Top 20 Family Game on Kickstarter // Has raised $3,334 of $8,000 so far. (~42%)
The Scare Factory 1-4 Person cooperative tabletop dungeon crawling experience. Defend the underworld from the plundering humans. // Has raised C$6776 of C$85000 so far. (~8%)
The Science and Séance Society An asymmetric two player game of hand management, dice manipulation, and genteel rivalry. // Has raised $7,493 of $5,700 so far. (~131%) ☑
Thirsty Sword Lesbians Cross swords and fall in love with this tabletop RPG by April Kit Walsh, celebrating queer love and power, Powered by the Apocalypse. // Has raised $82,167 of $19,999 so far. (~411%) ☑
?
2369
$10 / $35
Nov 12
#rpg
Treat Trumps A tasty card game that's raising money for foodbanks... // Has raised £1,811 of £2,500 so far. (~72%)
any
38
$16 / £48
Nov 23
Triumphus A quick set collection card game that plays 2-4 for ages 11+. // Has raised $772 of $2,000 so far. (~39%)
2 - 4
20
$20 / $39
Nov 11
Trivia Trolls The World's First Strategy, Trivia, Party Game. // Has raised $11,593 of $10,000 so far. (~116%) ☑
Turf War: Unicorn City plus 18 Additional Fun, Quirky, Original Card Games // Has raised $425 of $1,000 so far. (~42%)
2 - 4
11
$20 / $39
Oct 28
Twisted Fables A fast and furious fairytale fighting game that is driven by deckbuilding and inspired by classic 2D video games. // Has raised $74,796 of $50,000 so far. (~150%) ☑
UNBOUND RPG Reprint Create your own unique world and then blow it to pieces. // Has raised £16,301 of £3,000 so far. (~543%) ☑
?
652
$13 / £25
Oct 28
#rpg
USURPER - A Strategic Game of Dark Factions Set in a dark fantasy universe, USURPER is a fast-paced, highly strategic card drafting and grid placement game for 2 players. // Has raised $3,474 of $5,000 so far. (~69%)
2
146
$16 / $24
Nov 12
Veiled Fate A GAME OF HIDDEN INFLUENCE FOR 2-8 PLAYERS // Has raised $447,482 of $100,000 so far. (~447%) ☑
Word Hustle: A Strategic Game of Crosswords A dice rolling, real-time crossword building, and opponent-hustling game! Strategically form words like you've never done before. // Has raised $9,314 of $4,175 so far. (~223%) ☑
#hmm means that something about the project seems a little off. Buyer beware kinda thing.
#lolwut is reserved for projects that seem like copycat games or campaigns put together with little thought. Check 'em out for amusement.
#take tags are for projects that have been restarted for some reason, with the number indicating what iteration we're currently on.
Did I miss something? Particularly something new in the last 7 days or ending in the next 7 days? Let me know in the comments and I'll add it in.
Tip Jar
These lists take time and money to put together. Not a lot, but a little. If you enjoy them, maybe toss me a buck now and then. Signing up for a free AirTable account via my referral link can help, too. Plus, it's swell!
Playing cards make the ideal gift, particularly the many beautiful custom decks available nowadays. Almost everyone can use a deck of cards at some point, so they have an instant and universal appeal, especially if a deck has some customized artwork and is packaged in an appealing tuck box. In this list I want to focus on some of my favourite decks that have come out in the past year 2020. This year has been a challenging year for many of us in light of the coronavirus that has swept across the world. But in the middle of all this darkness, there have also been some bright spots, which include the brand new crop of custom decks that have appeared in the marketplace. The suggestions I'm making are very much a matter of personal choice, and other playing card enthusiasts might make other choices. I haven't seen each and every deck that hit the market in the past year, and there are undoubtedly plenty of other worthy decks that qualify for a list like this. I've also not included any decks that have haven't yet been produced, even if they have been crowdfunded. This list strictly covers decks that you should be able to obtain from online retailers and resellers. I've also not included so-called "hype decks" that sell out almost immediately at the publisher level (e.g. Fontaines), but only those that enter retail channels and are more widely and readily available. I've also included links to where you find them at PlayingCardDecks so that you can see images of the tuck boxes and cards for each item, and because they're the retailer I personally buy playing cards from the most. But you should be able to find these decks at most online retailers.
Popular Series
Several series of playing cards have become brands of their own, and achieved nearly cult status from collectors. This past year has seen some great additions to the line-ups from popular series that include big names like Jerry's Nuggets, Cherry Casino, and NOC. ● Jerry's Nugget Aqua Playing Cards - Jerry's Nuggets are a modern icon in the world of playing cards, due to the cult status of this deck, which was praised by cardists around the world. It was originally printed in the early 1970s, and was so much in demand in recent decades that copies fetched over $500 in the secondary market. A very successful reprinting of the original blue and red decks happened in 2019, and in the past year we've seen multiple reprints in different colours. Among my favourites in this series are the bright colours like orange, yellow, and green, which have all appeared in the past year. But there's also something for those who prefer a more muted look, such as steel and black. For more in this series, seeJerry's Nugget decks. ● Cherry Casino Tropicana Teal Playing Cards - The Cherry Casino decks capture a retro vibe, and are a throwback to the old fruit machines from gambling halls, with their distinctive cherry artwork. For me the real appeal of this series lies in the gorgeous card backs, which have a metallic sheen making them feel instantly different from all other decks. The face cards are all quite standard, so that makes them ideal for card games or card magic. Multiple new colours continue to appear in this series, such as Flamingo Quartz Pink, and most recently McCarran Silver. For more in this series, seeCherry Casino decks. ● NOC 3000X2 Purple Playing Cards - The acronym NOC originally stood for Nothing Only Colour, and in line with this the initial decks in this series were all very minimalist. Many people like to collect and use the NOC decks, and over time the series has evolved somewhat. The most recent releases show some new splashes of creativity, and with the NOC 3000X2 deck we travel into the future, past the year 3000. Vibrant purples and pinks inhabit the landscape of the cards, for a very modern and flashy look that is particularly well suited to cardistry. This particular deck is also available in a matching pink version. For more in this series, seeNOC decks.
Popular Brands
There are several big brands that you can count on for quality, and this year was no exception, with big companies like Theory11, Ellusionist, and Art of Play all continuing to contribute wonderful playing cards to the market. ● James Bond 007 Playing Cards - When it comes to glamorous tuck boxes, it doesn't get much better than the luxury of playing card producer Theory11. This wonderful deck is a tribute to agent 007, James Bond. I collect most of the Theory11 decks, and this one is particularly terrific, with a supreme tuck box, and Bond-inspired paraphernalia on the court cards and on the card back. Close observers will find many Bond gadgets and more. Theory11 have put out several stylish releases in the past year, another one being the Hollywood Roosevelt deck. For more, seeTheory11 decks. ● Shadow Masters Legacy v2 Playing Cards - One of the companies at the forefront of the custom playing cards movement was Ellusionist and their Black Tiger deck continues to be a modern icon. While they've since been overshadowed by the many custom decks produced in the crowd-funding era over the past decade, they continue to produce some memorable decks from time to time that are worth picking up. The Shadow Masters Legacy v2 is a black deck in the classic Ellusionist style, and represents the kind of thing that made them great to begin with. A jet black background is the chief feature of this deck, and the red and white used for the artwork and pips stands out beautifully against the inky black. This deck compares favourably with any other deck from the modern era. For more, seeEllusionist decks. ● Yellow Wheel Playing Cards - The brand Art of Play is the home of influential cardists Dan and Dave Buck. Their Red & Blue Wheel decks are among my all-time favourite decks, with gorgeous metallic inks as part of a split-pip design. The Yellow Wheel deck is their latest entry in the Wheel series, that retains the original card backs but now in yellow. But the highlight is the card faces, with the split pips employing a stunning metallic silver that complements the cards beautifully. This is a completely custom deck that is certain to impress anyone who sees it. Art of Play produces many new decks each year, and their Henry & Sally deck is a fun novelty release also worth checking out. For more, seeArt of Play decks.
Popular Designers
They are a very select group, but there are some notable designers in the playing card industry who have developed a real name for themselves, have generated a large following of loyal fans, and continue to produce high quality custom decks on a regular basis. ● Italia Radiosa Playing Cards - Italian designer Giovanni Meroni is the man behind Thirdway Industries, and his playing cards are in high demand from collectors around the world. His signature style is immediately recognizable in each of his decks, and this one is no exception. Along with its companion Italia Segreta, it's themed around the wonders and secrets of Italy. The unique court cards are the real highlight, showcasing Giovanni's usual creativity and style. The number cards are also fully custom. These are the kinds of decks that will hold their value well in years to come. If you want even more vibrant colours, check out Modern Idols, from the same creator. For more, seeGiovanni Meroni decks. ● Postage Paid Playing Cards - Behind the brand Kings Wild Project is Jackson Robinson, who is one of the few professional designers that actually makes a living out of designing playing cards. This deck was inspired by the idea of playing cards functioning as postcards, each with its own stamp and post paid stamp. All 50 US states are represented on different cards, and everything about this deck is fully customized. This deck was produced in only limited numbers, so it will be out of stock in most places. But if you're quick, you can still grab Jackson Robinson's General Admission deck, which applies a similar concept to tickets, with each card representing a vintage ticket stub from the early 20th century. For more, seeJackson Robinson decks. ● Kodiak Playing Cards - From popular designer Jody Eklund and his Black Ink Playing Cards Company, comes this delightful deck of playing cards that is geared to the poker player and collector. The cards have a very classic look, but offer a fresh take on the designs of the court cards and pips. Jody is highly respected for his approach to graphic design, and these cards will prove an excellent choice if you like playing card games, and want to bring something stylish and attractive to the table. For more, seeJody Eklund decks.
Magician Decks
Most magicians can perform their magic with any deck, but typically they prefer to do card magic with a deck where novelty and customization are minimal, so as not to distract from their magic. These decks are well suited to performing magic, and contain bonus gaff cards or other secrets that enable them to produce miracles not possible with ordinary decks. ● Card College Playing Cards - These decks are a tribute to the most outstanding modern teacher of the fundamentals of card magic, Roberto Giobbi. Mr Giobbi is the author of Card College, a series of best-selling books which are the modern gold standard for learning card magic. Available in red and blue, these decks are simple and practical for the working magician, and as a bonus each contains two double backer gaff cards. If you want more luxury, check out the stunning Luxury 3 Deck Set, which has even more stylish cards, individually numbered tuck boxes with unique origami style features, packaged in an attractive acrylic box - the ideal collectible or gift for magicians. ● Remedies Royal Blue Playing Cards - The Remedies decks come from popular creators Daniel Madison and Daniel Schneider, and this is a successor to the Remedies Scarlet Red deck. Many collectors love the Black Roses brand of playing cards, and collect whatever they produce. This blue Remedies deck has a classic and minimalist look with bold blue card backs, and is very functional and practical. The inclusion of a special Angle Zero gaff makes it ideal for magicians. ● DMC Elites Red v5 Playing Cards - Of all the marked decks I own, the DMC Elites is easily my first choice whenever I want a marked deck with cards that can be easily read from a distance, due to the clever and yet almost invisible marking system it uses. This deck has previously been released in several different colours, and now incorporates Tamariz's Mnemonica stack. All you need is the deck, but there is a terrific Passport book available separately, which will give you some great ideas for routines you can pull off with this great marked deck. For more, seeMarked decks.
Cardistry Decks
Card flourishing has really boomed in recent years, and especially shines when cardists use a deck that has colourful and striking patterns optimized for cardistry, that enhance the visual aesthetics of cards in motion, as these decks show. ● Neon Orange Cardistry Playing Cards - This deck represents Bicycle's attempt to meet a demand for a relatively low-cost deck geared towards card flourishing. The card backs have a geometric design, and the faces are all identical and completely non-standard, showcasing the latest evolution in playing cards optimized entirely for cardistry. Bright colours ensure that the cards look visually appealing in fans, spreads, and flourishing moves. Alongside this vibrant orange deck is its blue companion, the Neon Blue Aurora deck. ● Autumn Circle Cardistry Playing Cards - Tally Ho is a classic brand that USPCC has been producing for a long time. The circle back design of the typical Tally Ho deck has become iconic, and is especially appreciated by those who enjoy card flourishing. Each year the folks at Bicycle produce some in-house decks for special occasions, and the Autumn Circle Back deck is a lovely result. The colours capture the warmth and glow of autumn leaves and the mood of harvest time, while the pattern on the card backs is perfect for cardistry. ● ArrowDynamix Cardistry Playing Cards - Given the high volume of cardistry decks appearing all the time, it can be difficult to come up with something completely original, but this minimalist deck has accomplished exactly that. Each card features a giant vertical arrow on the card backs, and a giant horizontal arrow on the faces. With carefully choreographed sequences and moves, you can create truly unique patterns and effects that you simply can't achieve with any other cardistry deck.
Animal-themed Decks
Do you love animals, or do you have an animal lover in your life? There are a lot of wonderful custom decks that are tributes to our four legged friends, or depict some of our favourite creatures. ● Woof and Whiskers Dog Playing Cards - The real appeal of this deck is the cute tuck box, which has cardboard ears that fold up, to complete the look of the friendly dog on the front of the box. I would have liked to see some more customization with the number cards, but it's still a very charming deck, with delightful custom artwork on the court cards and aces. This is one of two Zoo 52 decks, so if you like the Dog deck, you'll also want to pick up the Playful Paws Cat deck, which is equally cute. ● Aviary Playing Cards - There are a lot of independent creators that produce Bicycle branded playing cards with the help of industry giant USPCC, but this big name producer also releases its own in-house decks. This is my favourite of their four newest releases that hit the market at the end of 2020, and is a very classy looking deck with artwork inspired by a traditional look, but with adjustments to give it a custom feel, and the presence of several birds carefully positioned throughout the deck. Of the four new releases from Bicycle, the Sea King deck is also proving to be very popular. ● King of Tigers Playing Cards - If you're looking for a deck with bling, this is it. The card backs have a borderless tiger skin pattern, which has been printed with some of the latest technology that makes use of foil for a truly eye-catching look. The tuck box is even more glamorous. While the court cards are clearly inspired by traditional courts, the Jokers bring back the tiger theme strongly, and the tiger skin look recurs throughout the deck.
Food-themed Decks
Recent years have seen some wonderful novelty decks themed around different kinds of food. These are always a great way to whet your appetite for a card game, or to show off to family or friends, and have proved a real hit with collectors. ● Squeezers V3 Playing Cards - Good luck getting your hands on decks from this extremely popular series from Organic Playing Cards, because they sell out quickly. These fruit inspired decks have delightful tuck boxes, and this grapefruit themed deck even comes in a tuck box that looks like a juice box, and is actually scented like grapefruit. The cards themselves are quite practical, but add humorous grapefruit themed elements to the court cards, and new bold colours. OPC's 2020 releases also included the watermelon-themed Carvers deck, while their current release sees the brand go in a slightly new direction with the corn-themed Shuckers. ● Noodlers Chicken Playing Cards - If you like the concept behind the Organic Playing Cards series, you'll probably also enjoy this deck, which has a similarly styled tuck box to the Squeezers decks, but represents a packet of ramen noodles. The orange colour on the card backs and pips has also been inspired by the noodles theme. The artwork on the court cards has a quaint and cute style, with each character depicted in a light hearted style quite different from standard courts, and all holding a bowl of noodles. For a final laugh, the Jokers provide us with the necessary packet of "chicken seasoning" to add to our noodles. ● Citrus Playing Cards - Created by Flaminko, the Deliciousness series has been somewhat overshadowed by the more successful fruit inspired cards from Organic Playing Cards. But I love the Flaminko decks, because they apply customization to all elements of the cards, including the pips. This novelty deck is well suited for card flourishing, card games, and collectors, and cleverly captures all that is juicy and wonderful about citrus fruit.
Music-themed Decks
Music is another evergreen theme, and there's a solid range of lovely decks for the music lover, whether your taste is classical or more contemporary rock-and-roll. ● Composers Mozart Playing Cards - This deck is part of a series that also includes other composers like Bach. These decks are true collector pieces, and make a wonderful tribute to some of the greatest composers of all time. The tuck boxes have a very classical look, and metallic ink enhances the gorgeous card backs. Meanwhile completely custom artwork on the faces emphasizes a vintage and classical feel. They are great for music lovers and collectors, but if classical music isn't your thing, then check out the Rock and Roll deck. ● Piano Player Playing Cards - If the piano is your instrument of choice, this is a deck for you. The creative tuck box is available in two styles, one with two black keys and the other with three black keys, which means you can place two decks alongside each other to create a larger keyboard. Fully custom characters inhabit the court cards, with the keyboard motif returning in the details of the artwork. Small touches like this really make this creative deck a thing of unique beauty. ● Soundboards v3 Midnight Playing Cards - Remember the old walk-man cassette players? In the 1980s these revolutionary electronic devices were among the first to make your personal music collection portable. The Soundboards deck replicates the look of a classic walk-man, and the Jokers complete the look by bringing the cassette tape look into the box. This Midnight edition has a dark look, so you might also want to consider the red deck if you prefer a more traditional colour.
Fiction & Film themed Decks
Most of us love a good story, whether it's in the pages of a novel or on our screens. Here are some great custom decks that are loving tributes to some of the best from the worlds of fiction and film. ● Jane Austen Playing Cards - Fans of the classic novel will appreciate the loving treatment that Jane Austen's famous novels have received in this delightful tribute from the Art of Play label. Each suit represents a different novel, with the court cards featuring the lead characters in the story. The design of the characters is inspired by period costumes and reflects the fashions from the time in which the stories are set. The classy tuck case ensures that everything is nicely packaged and well presented. ● Star Wars Playing Cards - Theory11 achieved a real coup by acquiring the rights to bring the Star Wars brand to playing cards. They were the perfect company to ensure that the result was a classy deck that did justice to the world of the films. This pair of Light Side and Dark Side decks begins with a top quality and highly attractive tuck case, as we've come to expect from Theory11. The court cards all feature different characters from the movies, and the design is the perfect blend of customization and playability, making this a practical deck you can bring out for your favourite card game, or to give to the Star Wars fan in your life. A similar pair of decks was produced later in the year in White and Black. ● King Arthur Playing Cards - The result of a collaboration between Riffle Shuffle and Studio Muti, this pair of red and green decks tell the story of the famous Arthurian legend. For me it's a personal and nostalgic childhood favourite, in light of the adventure and imagination it evokes. But as impressive as these decks are, they pale besides the King Arthur Gold deck, which has gold metallic ink on the faces, and gold foil on the card backs, for a truly extravagant look. Inside and out, this is a stunning tribute to a timeless classic from the world of fiction.
Space-themed Decks
So I cheated. I already have a section devoted to cardistry, so I figured I'd sneak in a second category, by including some cardistry decks that all have a space theme. These decks all feature colourful visuals that work well for flourishing, but can also be enjoyed by collectors who appreciate their vibrant colours and exuberant designs. ● Solokid Constellation Playing Cards - This set of twelve decks captures the twelve different star signs. It was produced by Bocopo, a company well known for producing colourful custom decks that appeal especially to cardists and collectors. These decks are typical Bocopo offerings, with evocative colours that are unique to each different deck, to help capture a different feeling for each and every constellation. If you like vibrant colour, you'll certainly find something to enjoy here. ● Stargazer New Moon Playing Cards - Several different decks have now appeared in the Stargazer series, but the recent New Moon deck is probably my favourite. The circular moon that appears on all the card backs makes it an ideal deck for card flourishing moves like spins and twirls. The face cards have some truly vibrant colours, and capture well the feel of a night sky bursting with colour and life. ● Sirius B v3 Playing Cards - I fell in love with the style of the original Sirius B deck, so this third edition was always going to win me over. The court cards consist of a blur of colours that look like paints mixed together, and this style has also been applied to the pips. The colours are the real appeal here, and the signature design of the card backs also looks very nice in card flourishes.
Transformation Decks
I personally adore transformation cards, and consider them to be one of the most fascinating and memorable types of playing cards there is. The idea is that you take the pips and incorporate them into a larger picture that forms a unique work of art, for each and every card in the deck. ● Cotta's Almanac #1 Reproduction Playing Cards - This historic deck was first created in 1805 by J.C. Cotta, and was the very first of its kind. Themed on the "Joan of Arc" play by Schiller, the beauty and creativity of these cards will still win over collectors today. Lovingly produced in a high quality modern edition, this recreation is the first of the entire series of Cotta transformation decks that is being reproduced by PCD. ● 5th Kingdom Playing Cards - This deck is possibly my favourite original release from PCD in the past year. It is an outstanding example of the creativity and originality of a semi-transformation deck, where the pips have been cleverly incorporated into the artwork. Each suit represents a different culture, turning each individual card into a work of art that can be admired and enjoyed. ● Pack of Dogs V2 Playing Cards - This transformation deck is the work of John Littleboy, who has produced a number of such decks in his inimitable style, including Pack of Dogs, Kitten Club, Mermaid Queen, and Bag of Bones. The number cards are my favourites, and in this deck each of these represents a larger art piece with a dog. Each suit has a progressive image, so they don't feel totally unique from each other. It's more like a series of consecutive snapshots, and you can use flip animation to tell the story. Littleboy's Kitten Club V2 deck applies a similar concept to cats.
In-House Decks
PlayingCardDecks doesn't just sell playing cards, but Will Roya also uses his wealth of experience to team up with designers and graphic artists to produce high quality custom decks under the PCD label. Here are some great custom decks that were published in-house over the course of 2020. ● Astronaut Playing Cards - This novelty deck is a delightful creation that will please anyone who has an interest in space and space travel, in light of its unique theme. The Kings are all depicted as astronauts, while the Queens and Jacks represent space travellers. The card backs have a futuristic look with neon lights, and this look carries over to the number cards, which are highly customized with unique red and blue pips. ● Beekeeper Playing Cards - There are plenty of bee themed playing cards already on the market, but the artwork style gives this one a truly unique feel. Two decks were produced, one with light card backs and the other with dark card backs. This is a great novelty deck for the collector, because there's especially some delightful creativity to be found with the bee-inspired pips, and the detailed custom artwork on the court cards. ● Testament Classic Playing Cards - This is a Biblical themed deck created by artist Ben Green. It's intended as an art deck, with the images on the cards depicting Biblical characters from well-known narratives. Representing a dual love for playing cards and a love for Bible-inspired art, this deck will especially appeal to the collector.
Out-of-the-Ordinary Decks
I'm a sucker for highly unusual decks with a high degree of novelty, and even though these are not ones I'd typically use for playing card games, they have very unique features that make them stand out from your average custom deck. ● Starry Night Puzzle Playing Cards - Fancy a deck that doubles as a jigsaw puzzle? This clever deck takes its inspiration from Vincent Van Gogh's famous painting, The Starry Night. The artwork on the card faces is all taken from the painting, and all the cards can be pieced together to make a single giant picture, thus effectively functioning as a large puzzle. Yet each card has clear indices so it's still something you can use for card games too. Definitely unique and out of the ordinary, this set of playing cards is a perfect choice for fans of classic art and paintings. ● Falcon Razors Deluxe Throwing Playing Cards - Rick Smith Jr has made multiple world records in throwing playing cards. His baseball background holds him in good stead, but anybody can learn to throw playing cards if you use the techniques Rick teaches. These throwing cards were a collaboration with legendary flourisher De'vo, and were featured in one of this year's viral videos from Dude Perfect, which featured Rick and his amazing card throwing. The cards are slightly thicker than standard Bicycle stock, to ensure extra durability and performance for card throwing. ● AQUA Invisible Plastic Playing Cards - If you're looking for something completely different, this might hit the mark. This is a ground-breaking deck that is the closest thing to being invisible. All the cards are made out of completely transparent plastic, after which a high gloss transparent printing is applied to selected areas of the cards to produce the designs and pips. So each card is effectively completely transparent, and yet you can see its unique artwork and determine its value and suit. The handling is surprisingly better than you'd expect for a completely plastic deck, and it's certainly something unique.
Other Gift Ideas
Do you want to let your gift recipient make their own decision about what to get, or are you not quite sure what to buy? Here are a couple of special gift ideas that might help out, even if it is to give your family or friends a convenient way to enable you to select your own gift! Firstly, there's a wide range of accessories available for playing cards, like card clips, card cases, and more. Alternatively, consider a gift card, which is available in amounts of $10, $25, $50, $100, and $200. There's also the popular Pip Box Club, which has been around for over two years. Subscribers get a selection of decks and goodies shipped to them each month, and offers great value with each box. Boxing Day Sale: Right now you can take advantage of a special sale at PlayingCardDecks, and save $10 off any order over $30 by using the code box20. This coupon is valid from Boxing Day until the end of 2020. Happy shopping, and happy holidays!
An Industry Deep Dive on How Games Became a Service
Disclaimer: All facts stated in this essay are verifiable and have been researched beforehand. 2013 marked a big year in many aspects for the video game industry, it was a good year for new IPs and (some) sequels if you were a AAA developer. Sony fans may remember being introduced to The Last of Us for the first time as you embarked on a journey as Joel Miller through a post-apocalyptic United States, or if your name was Artyom continued a post-apocalypse Soviet Russian adventure in Metro: Last Light. Reboots were also in affair; Tomb Raider and Devil May Cry made their comebacks with flair and breathed new life into some of gaming's historic franchises. It was also a year that marked the end of certain beloved trilogies with titles such as Bioshock: Infinite and Crysis 3. These were times of big feels, new beginnings, and more importantly: new ideas to create the proverbial ten year cash cows. You see while all this time you were reminiscing about a heartbroken Joel crying to the tune of Gustavo Santaolalla’s emotional guitar riffs in the background, 2013 was also a year that changed gaming in subtle ways you may not have realized. GTA V made its meteoric rise to the top of the unquenchable stream of revenue in digital media history, meanwhile Valve was setting the stage when it released Dota 2 that was the first ever video game to introduce the concept of a Battle Pass: a name which will live in infamy. There is a lot to unpack here so we’ll try our best to go in a coherent order. GTA V answered a key question that has been lingering for a long time in the AAA video game business model: can you make games as a service? Picture yourself tearing down the freeway in the supercar of your dreams, the sun is shining and you are blasting your favourite tunes, to your right is the horizon of a crystal blue pacific ocean, you receive a call from one of your “business partners” about a proposition to earn some tax-free income so you can pay for a superyacht at some point in your career, why? Because crime pays and the fun never ends. Rockstar had perfected the model of what unfettered freedom looks like in a virtual world, and in a genius move, released GTA Online in just two weeks after initial release. Needless to say it was a success, in fact it was more than just that, it became the envy of video game business executives. The question is often raised and answered, and then forgotten about, and then asked again about why AAA companies don't make one-and-done IPs anymore. At least, very few of them seem to do it. If $595 million in 2019 from GTA Online alone doesn’t answer the question for you, I don’t know what else will. You see Rockstar didn’t intend for its online component to be as successful as it is. The addictive gameplay loop and highly-detailed compelling world that seduced a large portion of its players (and by extension: the market) was just the elevator pitch. Like any great formula, it needs constant improvement as our old Bethesda buddy Todd Howard always likes to parrot “Great games are played, not made” by that logic then how do you keep a game great then? You keep playing it? How do you keep playing a game? (Well according to Todd its by letting your community of modders finish the game for you) What Rockstar did was added weekly updates, paid close attention to the needs of its community, had a look at the graphs and noticed only 27% of its players had actually completed the single player campaign (keep in mind this statistic is over 7 years old and may have changed significantly). For the first time GTA broke its tradition by not making expansions for the single player, which is what it was always known for. The Beach Bum update was released for free the following month for GTA Online players and the rest is history. Just kidding GTA Online is releasing a new free game update this December which will expand the playable game world, oh and it's got military submarines and a new plot “a la James Bond”. Seeing the… evolution of what was a game about stealing cars has been an interesting journey so far. According to gamstat.com and Steam charts, a conservative number of 1.4 million players across PC, PS4, XB1 log-in daily to play GTA Online. The game - even 7 years later - stays consistently in the top 10 of most played games across both consoles. So this was the Rockstar Games model: forget about single-player because statistically, nobody really cares, let's just focus on our multiplayer because its getting more attention, free updates for everyone to keep them busy, we’ll gradually inflate the fuck out of everything seven years down the line because there’s just gonna be so much content that you’ll need 800 of your real dollars at some point in a recent update if you want to buy all the content, what was that you want to grind for it? Jokes on you, you'll be there forever. This game will be your second job after you come home from your first job, you’ll be too lazy to grind for hours to get a car so why not just buy a shark card? You’re gonna get paid at the end of the month anyways, it's not a big deal. Well lo and behold, it just works. (Shut up Todd, you’re partly to blame here!) It is a sound business model, and one that even overshadows Red Dead Redemption 2 which has witnessed a significant dwindling in its online engagement. In this second part we’ll look at Valves' introduction of the Battle Pass or “Compendium” system in Dota 2 and how 4 years later, it would be adapted and popularized by Epic Games’ Fortnite. Before we dive in, let’s take a little trip to 2004. You’re on the computer in the living room of your parents house and you’re playing South Korean based Wizet studio’s MapleStory. You don’t have a console and you’re not allowed to play violent video games because your mom is too strict and also because she’s listening to mainstream media rant on how Halo 2 is making children too violent. So you’re stuck with MapleStory, it’s nothing to speak of graphically because it's a 2D side scrolling RPG, but hey it’s free to play and it's Massively Multiplayer Online so at least it has other real people playing it. While you’re playing it, you’re having fun because you find out you can actually do a variety of things even though it's just an innocent 2D looking game. You can chat, trade things with real players, perhaps even band together in a party and go on quests in MapleWorld. One thing is making you envious though: you can’t stop going back to the Cash shop because of all the dope looking outfits you think would look good on your character, and also because other folks are flexing them in your party. In come the “Gachapon tickets” (now for historical accuracy we’ll pretend you’re an expat living in Japan because at the time it was just a japanese thing), a Gachapon is basically a machine that sells capsules containing little toys in them, what capsule you got after inserting your coin was completely random - remember the word Gachapon as we’ll get to it later - MapleStory in Japan allowed for users to pay just 100 measly yen ($1.00) for a Gachapon ticket so you could buy whatever you wanted at the Cash shop, you convince your mom because it’s cheap and because you somehow convinced her that it was not a scam? Hooray you can finally impress your party with the new gear you just got! You can continue playing the game to your heart's content. Little did you know that MapleStory would be the inspiration for a special surprise in your gaming experience which we’ll get to in a moment. Across Asia in the late noughties, it was the free to play titles that generated a considerable amount of income because of their popularity with internet cafe goers and people who weren’t wealthy enough to afford expensive tech. The games were free, accessible because of the growing mobile market in exchange it offered cheap but optional microtransactions to recoup for its development costs. ZT Online (2007) was a chinese developed game that took full advantage of the free to play model, offering optional microtransactions for its committed players and raked in a reported $15 million per month. The first ever mobile game to hit the $1 billion milestone was Puzzle & Dragons released in 2011. In North America and Europe during the social-network heyday saw Zynga develop free to play mobile games such as FarmVille, Zynga Poker, Words with Friends, etc. Now it’s been a good few years since you were playing shitty 2D side scrolling games, you want to be a part of the big leagues and play some shooters! The year is 2010 and you’re having the time of your life whooping ass in Team Fortress 2, a pioneer of the “hero shooter” genre. It’s September and you are eating a sandvich (nom) while watching your favorite YouTube gaming channel talk about crates containing random loot that can be accessed by purchasing keys, it’s exciting! You’re old enough and mature by your moms standards to be playing TF2 so you use your pocket money allowance to buy these keys so you can later brag to your school friends or online forums. You also learn that Valve is transitioning the game to free-to-play so that it can attract more users. (Are you noticing the pattern here?) Valve has always been ahead of the curve when it comes to monetization in video games and it’s remarkable how they achieve this, because if you were following the news at the time you’ll remember that when Valve made Team Fortress 2 free-to-play, it dominated the Steam charts f2p list for a reasonable time. 3 years after it became free-to-play, TF2 was reported making $139 million per year alongside Counter Strike which is also a beefy 9-figure earner for the company. This is notwithstanding the fact that Valve has the monopoly on the PC gaming market with Steam which takes a 30% cut of every video-game sale. You really cannot stop the Gaben. During the time that Valve were transitioning to the free-to-play model they hired Greek-Australian economist and former Greek finance minister, Yanis Varoufakis to research virtual economies. What occurred a few years later was a growing trend of MMOs and MOBAs transitioning to a free-to-play model, starting in 2011 with popular games such as Star Trek Online and Lord Of The Rings Online, adding microtransactions as a means to stay sustainable. The TF2 crates and keys were another way of interpreting the Gachapon philosophy, get a key to open your “capsule” but leave it to RNG to decide the fate of your purchase. Valve were the first of the AAA gaming industry to popularize this practice but also to have perfected the art of recurrent user spending, of course what we also saw was a decline in release of new games but we’ll get to that in a bit. Now other video game publishers took notice of Lord Gaben’s business savvy and decided to find their own ways to create additional revenue streams. Electronic Arts, the founders of “surprise mechanics” decided to monetize FIFA Ultimate Team in 2010 by offering players the opportunity to purchase virtual trading cards as a means to generate extra revenue on a reliable IP with a loyal fanbase. This worked predictably in EA’s favour as of recent 2020 financial reports they have generated $1.49 billion in revenue from FUT alone. EA being EA wanted to further inflate their sense of pride and accomplishment by using the Gachapon philosophy (a philosophy which worked with free-to-play titles for reasonable causes) by creating their first loot-boxes, now because they’re EA, didn’t bother to transition their games to the free-to-play model, that idea probably got laughed at during a board meeting. These motherfuckers literally decided to have their cake and eat it for all the public to see. 2 years later in 2012 at the release of Mass Effect 3, EA implemented loot boxes into the multiplayer component of the game, in fact they did so with all of their multiplayer IPs: Battlefront, Battlefield. The reason why loot-boxes is a perverted version of the Gachapon ticket (and sorry if I use this word a lot) is because it contains cut content that allow for in game advantages so the gamers ™ have no other option but to gamble their money for something that is not even guaranteed they’ll have because grinding for it will take some ridiculous hundreds of hours of your time. EA popularized the loot-box which I like to keep separate from Gachapon because the two are fundamentally different. Loot-boxes are gameplay/XP modifiers you have to pay for on top of the full retail price of the game you already bought. Gachapon tickets is a means to support a developer that made a base game free-to-play. What happened following the increase in quarterly earnings for Electronic Arts after their loot-box boom were a bunch of other companies copying the exact same thing ad nauseam but putting their own “creative” spin on it: Counter Strike: GO did it with weapon cases, Battlepacks for Battlefield 4, COD: AW with Supply Drops. Overwatch went as far as including loot-boxes to be part of its meta in 2016, other core AAA games following suit, COD, Halo 5, LoL, you name it it probably has it. Fast forward to 2017 and EA are in legal battles with governments about loot boxes and the industry is now getting cold feet. Fortnite becomes the latest trailblazing success. Which is where Valve were once again: ahead of the curve. You remember at the beginning of this case study where Valve were the first to come up with the concept of a Battle Pass? So in 2013, Dota 2 devised what they called “The Compendium” a business model based on the Season pass or Season ticket used in sports for NFL or Baseball. The models are basically identical: you pay a one time fee for access to an event that typically lasts 3 months. This model works far better than the loot box because it incentivizes players to grind for content they know are guaranteed to get. The player only pays a one-time fee (usually in the $10 price point) giving them a sense of getting their money's worth, I fall for this myself because it is marketed incredibly effectively. Furthermore the seasonal model “drip-feeds” content, so these may be gameplay modifiers, XP enhancements, unique limited edition content (weapons, shaders, armours) so the more you progress, the greater the benefits. Now Dota 2 uses the proceeds of Battle Pass sales towards the seasonal tournaments prize pool. For other companies like Bungie it is most likely towards development of new seasonal content or Eververse items. So during the whole loot-box orgy that lasted a good 5-6 years. Valve were profiting from the seasonal model, Epic Games took note and decided it would use the same thing for their new shooter. In Summer of 2017, Fortnite broke records as one of the highest-grossing free-to-play battle royale titles of the decade, having been downloaded a recorded 350 million times and generating $1.8 billion in revenue in its first year. It was clear at that point the free-to-play model with a season pass and microtransactions store guaranteed a stable platform. 3 years later, Fortnite is projected to make $5 billion at the end of this fiscal year, and has registered 3.2 billion hours of playtime. Now this is important because it took GTA V seven years to break through $6 billion and GTA V (for now) still remains the highest-grossing video game of all time. We can see Call of Duty Warzone made its Battle Royale mode free-to-play as a direct response to the trend. Bungie followed suit after their recent move to make Destiny 2 a free-to-play model with a seasonal pass built-in to last until 2022. It’s only a matter of time whether we see more companies and AAA titles decide to do the same for it to determine the “games a service model” will be the dominant market trend. We can safely assess Microsoft is emulating this with its Game Pass Ultimate program which acts as a “Netflix for video games” having recently merged with EA Access expanding its library of “free-to-play” games at the cost of a monthly installment. If you have made it this far, you are a mad lad. I thought I’d take some time to illuminate the direction in which the video game industry seems to be heading by highlighting the patterns. This is also in an attempt to answer the question of: why are video games the way they are in 2020? It wasn’t easy to write but I hope it was easy for you to read. Once again thank you for taking the time of your day, now what are you waiting for? Go play some video games!
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AS RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN, THE TIGHTNESS OF THEIR RAVAGED COLON UPON MY MIGHTY KATANA IS UNMATCHED BY ANY OTHER RACE. NO LESS THAN FIFTY-SEVEN SAMURAI HAVE COMMITTED HARA-KIRI UPON TAKING A SINGLE LOOK AT MY MIGHTY BLADE FROM THE DISHONOR OF WIELDING SUCH TINY EASTERN BLADES AGAINST MY MARVEL OF MANHOOD. The Real Zimmer HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. CHICKENSHITS THAT TRY TO GUARANTEE ON SHIT THAT I DIDN'T APPROVE SHOULD SUCK MY GUSHING FLAMESPEAR OF JUSTICE AND VENGEANCE. AS FOR THAT SHIT, I SAY THAT EVEN THE LAST INBRED TARD WHO'D FIND HIMSELF ON A LONELY ISLAND IMPRISONED IN A CAGE MADE OF SAUSAGES AND CALCIUM AND TORTURED BY PURE AIR WOULDN'T FAP TO IT. UNLESS IT'S FCHAN. I GUARANTEE IT. Revenge HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THE OTHER NIGHT I TRACKED DOWN THE UPPITY BITCH WHO DREW THIS PICTURE AND I PROCEEDED TO FREE WILLY ALL OVER HER FACE. I SPACKLED HER FACE WITH MY SALTY MAN YOGURT, MAKING SURE TO COVER EVERY INCH OF HER SELF-RIGHTEOUS MUG. I GUESS SHE LEARNED HER LESSON BECAUSE SHE CAME BACK BEGGING FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT. Anal HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. NO ONE CAN IMAGINE THE HORRORS THAT MY GREASY GRECIAN MAN POLE CAN UNLEASH. ANY HOLE THAT GETS IN MY WAY WILL BE SPELUNKED BY MY MIGHTY KIDNEY SCRAPER. I WILL PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF YOUR MOIST ORIFICES AND THEN PROCEED TO PUMP MILLIONS OF FUTURE ZIMMERS INTO YOUR INNARDS. I GUARANTEE IT. Gb2/kitchen/ HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SECOND OUT OF MY BUSY DAY OF FUCKING THE MOTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE PEOPLE I HATE WITH MY MAMMOTH PELVIC FOREARM TO DELIVER A RARE SHORT MESSAGE. SHUT UP AND GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN BITCH, OR I'LL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH MY INCREDIBLE MANMEAT. I GUARANTEE IT. Subway HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MERE HOURS AGO, ON A SUBWAY RIDE HOME TO MY LAVISH PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE WORLDS MOST VIRILE MAN COMPETITION, THERE SAT ACROSS FROM ME A WOMAN OF ADMIRABLE MAMARY PROPORTIONS. NATURALLY, MY IMMEDIATE REACTION WAS FOR MY DANGEROUS, DEVILISH, DAPPER DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL TO SWELL TO THE ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BAT. BUT I DIGRESS. THE IMPORTANT PART OF MY TALE OF UNIMAGINABLE SEXUAL PROWESS WAS THUS: A RATHER INNEBRIATED FELLOW BEGAN TO HARASS THE OTHER PATRONS UPON THE SUBWAY CAR WHOSE DIJMENSIONS WERE BEING NOW APPROACHED BY THAT OF MY TOWERING MEAT FOUNTAIN. HAVING NOT THE SAME AUDACITY AS I, THEY THOUGHT IT BEST TO LET THE MAN BE. AS HE MOVED FROM PROUDLY DISPLAYING HIS COMPARATIVELY INSIGNIFICANT PENILE PINKY TO THE OLDER WOMEN TO THE YOUNG, BOUNCY AND BOUNTIFUL BEAUTIFULLY BREASTED BROAD THAT HAD CAUSED THE MAMMOTH SWELLING OF MY SWEATY MALE-WHALE, I CLUTCHED TIGHTLY MY TROPHY FROM AFOREMENTIONED COMPETITION, AND KNEW IMMEDIATELY THE APPROPRIATE COURSE OF ACTION. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS WANDERING EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR. THE RESULTIMG AROMA OF GIN AND TESTOSTERONE THAT LINGERED IN THE AIR WAS INVIGORATING. I THEN SPOKE IN A DIALECT OF MANDARIN CHINESE IN A FREQUENCY THAT ONLY ELEPHANTS CAN HEAR A WARNING TO THIS MAN THAT THIS BEHVAIOR OF HIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. ALAS, IT FELL ON DEAF EARS, FOR HE HAD PASSED. THE FELLATIO SESSION THAT I HAD EARNED FROM THE MAGNIFICENTLY MILKY MAIDEN WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE GOINGS-ON OF THE NEAREST POLICE OFFICER. RATHER THAN GO THROUGH THE TEDIUM OF FILLING OUT TIRESOME REPORTS AND STATEMENTS, I WASHED HIM OUT OF THE TRAIN AND UP THE STAIRS TO THE STREET WITH A BATH OF ONLY THE FINEST PROTEIN PACKED PUBIC PUDDING THAT I COULD MUSTER. I GUARANTEE IT. George Foreman HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THAT GODDAMN NIGGER GEORGE FOREMAN LIES LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH THAT HE IS. IN ACTUALITY, I SHOVED MY MASSIVE MEAT MOUNTAIN UP HIS WIFE AND DOG'S ASSES, KILLING THEM INSTANTLY. THEN I USED GEORGE'S OWN LEAN MEAN GRILLING MACHINE TO COOK THEIR CORPSES. I MUST ADMIT, THOUGH, THAT GRILL CAN COOK A MIGHTY FINE BABY BATTER-FILLED MAIN COURSE. I GUARANTEE IT. Movie Theater HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT. Becoming A Real Man HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN ASS-DRAGGING MAN WHORE LIKE YOURSELF THAT GETS KICKED OFF THE GOOD CORNERS BY TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS LOOKING FOR EXTRA INCOME TO SUPPORT THEIR POKEMON ADDICTIONS. IF YOU'RE EVER INTERESTED IN BECOMING A REAL MAN, COME BY THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE WHERE I CAN GIVE YOU A TESTOSTERONE INFUSION IN THE BACK ALLEY WITH MY PATENTED PULSATING MAN HAMMER. I'LL SPREAD YOUR ASS CHEEKS WIDER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH, AND I'LL PLUNGE MY THUNDERING FLESH REDWOOD INTO YOUR WINKING PINK CHRYSANTHEMUM. SLIPPING ON MY STEEL WOOL GLOVES, I'LL GRAB YOUR MINISCULE QUIVERING JOYSTICK AND VIGOROUSLY MASSAGE IT UNTIL IT STANDS UP HARDER AND STRAIGHTER THAN A MARINE AT SHORT ARM INSPECTION WITH HIS FAVORITE DRILL SERGEANT. WHEN I FINALLY UNLEASH MY SHOWER OF MAN MAYONNAISE INTO YOUR COLON YOUR INNARDS WILL PULSATE IN JOYOUS ABANDON AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT, RAINING MY SEX SAUCE DOWN UPON UNWARY PASSERSBY WHO WILL COWER IN FEAR OF THE SECOND COMING. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real George Zimmer, Again HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY YODELING MANSEED-SPRAYER CAN KILL A YAK AT THIRTY PACES�WITH ONE SWING. IT�LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL WHEN ANYONE ON /B/ CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE POWER CONTAINED IN MY FORTUNE 500 FETUS FACIALIST. I�LL TRACK YOU DOWN, WITHDRAW MY MISCHIEVOUS MAIDEN MANGLER FROM MY UNCONSCIONABLY SEXY SUIT AND WATCH IN SILENCE AS YOU BEG TO SUCKLE AT MY TERRIFYINGLY TANTALIZING TESTICLES. YOU WON�T BE ABLE TO RESIST ME AS I SATIATE MY RANDY RAPE ROD USING YOUR QUIVERING FLESH. I�LL LEAVE YOUR CORPSE FOR PASSERSBY TO FIND IT, NAKED AND DRIPPING WITH SEVERAL HELPINGS OF MY EXTRAORDINARILY EFFERVESCENT ESSENCE OUTSIDE THE LOCAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THEN I�LL MOVE ON TO YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT. Raping /b/tards HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IT LOOKS LIKE SOME OF YOU /B/TARDS THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME. THIS PARTICULAR /B/TARD THOUGHT HE WAS CLEVER, POSTING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK. WELL, UNTIL I APPEARED BEHIND HIM IN A PLUME OF SMOKE AND AEROSOLIZED ASS BUTTER. HIS PARENTS ARE WATCHING AS I GIVE HIS KIDNEYS A TEN POINT INSPECTION WITH MY FLANNEL MAN-SPIGOT, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING THIS POST, ANALLY PENETRATING THE OBESE MOTHER OF THIS /B/TARD, AND FILLING THE FATHER�S FACE WITH A GENEROUS HELPING OF MY GOOEY GUY GRAVY. AFTER I FINISH, I�LL BEAT THEM TO DEATH WITH MY VEINY LOVE TRUMPET, AND DISAPPEAR IN A VEIL OF MISTY WHITE SPRAY. ANY ONE OF YOU COULD BE NEXT. I GUARANTEE IT. Explosion HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MENS WAREHOUSE, AND WHILE YOUR OFFER INTRIGUES ME YOU MUST BE ASSURED THAT THE VERY FIRST TIME I EXTRACTED MY THROBBING GRISTLE STICK FROM MY BULGING SUIT PANTS AND PLUNGED IT DEEP INTO YOUR WAITING CLEFT AS AHAB SO PLUNGED HIS SPEAR INTO THE RED BLOWHOLE OF MOBY DICK, THAT THE EXPLOSION OF MAN FLUID THAT WOULD FILL YOUR INTERNAL CAVITY WOULD DO SO WITH SUCH DAEMONIC ALACRITY AS TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUS AND COMPLETE ERUPTION OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS IN SUCH A GROTESQUE AND SPECTACULAR MANNER THAT I WOULD BE COVERD IN LITTLE RED DRIPPING BITS OF YOU IN 5 SECONDS FLAT. I GUARANTEE IT. Board of Directors HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERISER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCOLIPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGEOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. AS MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING FLESH MISSLE. MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. i LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPOURIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER. I GUARANTEE IT. Luncheon HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I RECIEVED YOUR MEMO CONCERNING LAST WEEKS LUNCHEON, AND I MUST SAY I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. YOUR SISTER, WHO APPARENTLY DECIDED TO ATTEND THE PARTY WEARING A STUNNING SILK DRESS, GAVE MY GARGANTUAL ENORMOUS PULSATING COLUMN OF FLESH NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO EXTEND AND ERECT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL, THE SIZE OF WHICH I CAN HARDLY EXPRESS IN WORDS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY IMMENSE MEAT HAMMER, I FOUND YOUR SISTER BEGGING AND MOANING, ON HER KNEES, FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF MY ZIMMER SPECIAL. THE RESULT WAS INEVITABLE; YOUR SISTER WAS INSTANTLY BLOWN ACROSS THE ROOM AS MY COLOSSAL HOSE EXPLODED IN A TORRENT OF MY DNA PUDDING. IT TOOK HER 2 HOURS TO REMOVE THE THICK LAYER OF MY SPECIAL NUT BATTER FROM HER FACE, AND EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISCOURAGED IT, SHE DECIDED TO CONSUME THE ENTIRE QUANTITY OF MY HE-SALSA, THE VOLUME OF WHICH COULD EASILY FILL A INDUSTRIAL SIZED FUEL TANK. I GUARANTEE IT. Your Mom I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY TO SHARE WITH YOU CONCERNING YOUR MOTHER. IT HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND, BUT DURING YOUR ORIENTATION SESSION HERE AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE INC., YOUR MOTHER, WHO ALSO ATTENDED ALONG WITH YOU THAT VERY DAY, PASSED ME A NOTE, WHICH I DO NOT RECALL IN ITS ENTIRETY. SOMETHING ABOUT "I WILL GIVE YOU MY LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD ON THIS EARTH PRAYS EVERY DAY TO EXPERIENCE; GETTING FUCKED IN THE MOUTH BY YOUR THROBBING MASSIVE COLUMN OF FLESH". I COULD NOT DISCOURAGE THIS WOMAN, SO IN A FLASH, MY DAPPER TIGHT PANTS EXPLODED AS MY BEHEMOTH OF LOVE UNLEASHED ITSELF TOWARDS YOUR MOTHER'S GAPING UTERUS, WHICH SHE HAD SUBMITTED TO MY MEAT MISSILE THE MOMENT SHE REALIZED HER LIFE GOAL HAD BEEN REALIZED. I FEEL IT IS AN APPOPRIATE TIME NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHERS DEATH 5 YEARS AGO WAS NOT DUE TO A TERRORIST ATTACK DURING THE ORIENTATION PARTY, IN WHICH YOUR MOTHER WAS BLOWN APART BY AN RPG; RATHER THE SHEER SIZE OF MY THROBBING MAMMOTH-LIKE MISSILE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER BODY TO SUPPORT, DESPITE HER ARGUABLY SIZEABLE ANUS. THAT, ALONG WITH THE SUBSEQUENT TORRENTIAL FLOOD WHICH INSTANTLY FILLED HER BODY WITH MY CREAMY MAN JUICE, AND WHICH THE SHEER VOLUME OF ITS CONTENT RESULTED IN THE GOOEY MATTER GUSHING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE IN HER BODY. I GUARANTEE IT. 9/11 HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGATUAIN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR MELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULLENARY EXERISIZE, I MIANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VIRAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACK SIDE OF A WOMAN(S) TO STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY HUMONGOUS PHALUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A RABID DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SITE THAT AWAITED ME BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN"'S RAISN SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT THEN PENETRATED HIS ESAPHAGUS, RIPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPS FROM OFF MY MONEY MAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LEASON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHICH'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD) WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECASUE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 747 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERROIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real George Zimmer, Part III HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE THAT LAST POST WAS UNDOUBTEDLY WELL-WRITTEN, IT LACKED THE FINER ELEMENTS OF STYLE THAT MAKE MY DELICIOUS ANAL PILLAGINGS SO ENJOYABLE. JUST THE SIGHT OF MY RAKISH COUNTENANCE CAN SEND WOMEN INTO EXPLOSIVE, MIND-NUMBING FITS OF ORGASM LONG BEFORE I PULL OUT MY MAJESTIC PLEASURE PISTON AND RAM IT DOWN THEIR GASPING THROATS. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES THEY'VE GOT A BELLYFUL OF STEAMING-HOT MAN SHAKE AND I'M OFF TO POST IN /B/, WHERE MY PRESENCE IS ALWAYS WELCOME. I GUARANTEE IT. Wannabes HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. IF YOU LOW-LIFE WANNABE COCK PHEASANTS CONTINUE TO SHATTER MY GOOD NAME WITH HORRID AND TASTELESS ANECDOTES I WILL FORCE MY COLOSSAL SPERM-WHALE UP YOUR SHIT CHUTE SO FAR THAT YOUR ANCESTORS IN HEAVEN WILL HAVE THEIR TEETH KNOCKED OUT FROM BEHIND. AS MY HUGE SUPER CENTIPEDE GOES THROUGH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS UP YOUR MOUTH AND INTO THE HEAVENS ABOVE. AS ALL THE ANGELS EXCLAIM AT THE COLOSSAL NATURE OF MY MAN WORM. ALL OF THEM TAKING PICTURES OF IT TO RECORD THE DAY THAT YOU SOILED THE NAME OF GOOD GEORGE ZIMMER! I GUARANTEE IT. Sister in the Alley HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. A WEEK AND A HALF AGO IN AN ALLEY BEHIND HER WORKPLACE I THRUST MY INHUMANLY TURGID MEMBER INTO YOUR SISTER'S ANAL CAVITY. AS MY GARGANTUAN MEAT SPEAR PENETRATED HER BUTT PIPE SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED, SMASHING HER FACE AGAINST THE HARD ASPHALT OF THE ALLEY. I FLIPPED HER OVER AND PULLED MY LOG OUT, TAKING CARE NOT TO GET BLOOD ON MY AMAZINGLY DAPPER SUIT AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FIRE MY JIZZ ROCKET ONTO HER GLASSES AND PUCKERED NIPPLES. PROMPTLY AFTER SHOVING HER IN THE TRUNK OF MY LEXUS I DROVE OFF INTO THE DARK NIGHT ONLY TO DROP HER OFF AT A REST STOP MOTEL WITH $1.50 IN CHANGE TO CALL A CAB. SHE ENDED UP TAKING A SUB HOME WHILE CALLING ME 6 TIMES ON MY CELL PHONE. WHEN I ANSWERED ALL I HEARD WAS WIMPERING AND A LOW MOAN. I GUARANTEE IT. Magic HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MAGIC? I�LL BET THE LAST TIME YOU GOT ANYWHERE NEAR MAGIC IN BED YOU WERE SHOVING TWENTY-SIDED DICE UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU JERKED YOUR TINY WAND TO YOUR MAGIC: THE GATHERING DECK. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A MEGA-DOSE OF ZIMMER-BRAND MASCULINITY. I�LL COVER YOUR HAPLESS, EFFEMINATE FORM IN A THREE FOOT DEEP LAYER OF WHITE-HOT BABY BROTH FROM MY IMMINENTLY IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER PLEASURE PYTHON. YOU�LL BEG ME FOR A SECOND COMING, AND I�LL OBLIGE YOU, PUMMELING YOU IN EVERY ORIFICE. YOU�LL AWAKEN IN THE HOSPITAL, YOUR TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE AND WITH SEVERE BLOOD LOSS FROM YOUR ANUS. BUT YOU�LL STILL CALL ME TO BEG FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT. Sex with Zimmer: Serious Business HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHO'S BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT. Your Girlfriend HELLO I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. TONIGHT I WAS BEATING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HEAD AGAINST HER BEDROOM WALL WITH MY GIGANTIC RAMROD AND AS SHE DEEP-THROATED MY MAN-MEAT I REALIZED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE ANNUAL SALE. ONCE I FILLED HER ESOPHAGUS UP WITH MY AMAZING AMOUNT OF BABY BUTTER I HEADED OUT TO OUR STORES TO REMIND CUSTOMERS THAT OUR SUITS FIT WELL AND ARE CHEAPER THAN THE COMPETITION, LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S COCK RECEPTICLE. IT BARELY FITS MY ROLLING PIN OF PLEASURE, BUT EVENTUALLY I BANG HER SO HARD THAT IT BECOMES A CUSTOM FIT, LIKE THE SERVICE AT ANY OF OUR NATIONWIDE LOCATIONS. SHE BEGS ME NIGHTLY TO FILL HER WITH COCK-JUICE LIKE HOW YOU'LL BE BEGGING FOR THE AMAZING SAVINGS WE OFFER AT THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I GUARANTEE IT. Halloween HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. IT WAS THE NIGHT OF THE 31ST ALSO KNOWN AS HALLOWEEN, WHEN MANY PEOPLE OF THE YOUNG VARIETY GO AROUND IN SHITTY COSTUMSES AND GETTING FREE CANDY INSTED OF BEING AT HOME AND HAVING WILDY ORGIES . THERE I WAS IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE, RUNNING OVER THE POOR LADS AND LASSES IN THEIR $20.00 COSTUMES FORM WAL-MART, WHEN I SUDDENLY SPOTTED A FINE, BLONDE WOMAN WITH BREASTS THAT WERE AS BIG AS THE CANDY BOWL SHE HAD IN HER HANDS, HANDING OUT CANDY FROM A LOVELY, BRICK HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. I THEN STOPPED MY ZIMMERMOBILE, MY ENORMUS MEAT DRILL POKING OUT MY PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THE VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN. SHE HAD THEN ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION SHE HAD ASKED OTHER KIDS TAHT CAME BY ONLEY FOR CHEAP CANDY WHICH WAS, 'WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ME AND WHAT IS YOUR TRICK?' LAUGHING AT THE STUPID COMMENT SHE HAD SAID, I THEN KNOCKED OVER THE CANDY BOWL SHE WAS HOLDING BETWEEN HER 2 FLESH BASKETBALLS, FORECEFULY SMACKED HER AND BENT HER OVER WITH MY ROD OF MEN, AND THEN TOOK OFF MY BUSINESS PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY SPECIAL TRICK BY DEFILING HER OVARIES AND MAKING HER SCREAM WITH EXCITEMENT WITH THE RHYTHM OF MY GIANT COCK. AS SOON AS I FELT THE POINT OF CLIMAX, I THEN PROCEEDED TO SQUIRT MY GOOEY NOUGAT CREAM ALL OVER HER LIVING ROOM. WHEN THE KIDS HAD ARRIVED AT HER HOUSE, THEY THOUGHT MY EJACULATORY FLUID WAS NOUGAT CANDY AND ATE IT. OF COURSE, I WAS ALREADY GONE AND SPEEDING AWAY IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FINE LASS TO SHOW MY GREAT HALLOWEEN TIRCK TO. I GUARANTEE IT. Ashlee HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ASHLEE, I'D LIKE TO BEAT YOUR CHEST WITH MY ENORMOUSLY HEAVY, THROBBING PELVIC CROCODILE UNTIL I GEYSER A HUGE WATERFALL OF STICKY BABY DRESSING ON YOUR FACE. I'LL MOP IT UP WITH MY THICK HEAD AND SLAP IT ON YOUR LIPS SO THEY DON'T CHAP. YOU'LL CUM SO HARD YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS WILL NEED TO CHANGE THEIR SHEETS. I GUARANTEE IT. Comparing Sizes HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. OBVIOUSLY, YOU PEOPLE CANNOT MATCH TO MY GREAT URETHA MOUTAIN TO YOUR PUNY FLESH WRINKLES SO YOU ALL DECIDE TO TRY AND 1-UP ME. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT WILL BE POSSIBLE AS PLEASURING A GREAT HUMPBACK WHALE. GOOGLE_QUEEN, SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AS YOU ELEQUENTLY SAY SO YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT INDIVDIUALITY IS A MATTER OF BEING DIFFERENT. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FUN DEFILING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FEMALS AND CASUING HAVOC DOES NOT MAKE ME SICK AS IT IS ALL A MATTER OF OPINION. SAYING 'YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE' IS IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE LIKE YOURS AS A LIFE, LIKE INDIVIDUALITY, WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFERENT. I GUARANTEE IT. Meteor HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. I AM IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE SO OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF BIPEDAL MOVEMENT DUE TO THE ENORMOUS ROLLS OF FLESH SURROUNDING YOU IS CAPABLE OF TYPING AT ALL. I HAVE A SET OF TRIPLETS NIBBLING AT MY CARNAL CORNUCOPIA; WHEN I CLIMAX, A DELICIOUS DELUGE OF DONG DROPPINGS WILL BE FLUNG INTO LOW EARTH ORBIT. A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS HIGHLY TRAINED IN THE EROTIC ART OF ALIGNING MY RAPACIOUS RAPE ROCKET WILL ENSURE THAT THIS QUALITY QUIM-CAULK QUINTESSENCE RE-ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE AIMED EXACTLY AT YOUR ADMITTEDLY AMPLE FRAME. IF THE SIZZLING HEAT OF MY NIAGARA-LIKE TORRENT OF BOILING HOT FERTILITY FLUID DOESN�T KILL YOU, THE FACT YOU�LL BE TOO AROUSED TO DO MORE THAN INHALE IT DEEPLY WHILE TRYING VAINLY TO FIND A WAY TO REACH YOUR IMPRESSIVELY INSIGNIFICANT INCEST INCHWORM WILL. I GUARANTEE IT. Religion HI, I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WAREHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGIUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE�S SACRED DOMAIN � YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real Zimmer, Part IV HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I AM AWARE OF THE MADE UP DECLARATIONS ABOUT ME THAT HAVE RECENTLY BEGUN TO APPEAR ON THE INTERNET AND IN EMAILS AS "GEORGE ZIMMER FACTS." I'VE SEEN SOME OF THEM. SOME ARE FUNNY. SOME ARE PRETTY FAR OUT. BEING MORE A STUDENT OF THE ESTENSIBLE ELEPHANTIC EVIRGINATOR THAT THE WILD WORLD OF THE INTERNET, I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF IT. IT'S QUITE SURPRISING. I GUARANTEE IT. I DO KNOW THAT CEOs WILL BE CEOs, AND I NEITHER TAKE OFFENSE NOR TAKE THIS THINGS TO SERIOUSLY. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE THIS MADE UP ONE-LINERS WILL PROMPT YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEEK OUT THE REAL FACTS ABOUT MY PUBIC PUNISHING PELVICATOR AS FOUND IN MY RECENT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL BOOK, 'YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THE WAY YOUR DING DONG DICKY LOOKS'? THEY MAY BE EVEN BE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO CHECK OUT MY NOVELS SET IN THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE, THE PELVIC RIDERS, RELEASED THIS MONTH. I'M VERY PROUD OF THESE EFFORTS. I GUARANTEE IT. Yellowstone HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE LATE EVENING, AS I WAS YODELING INTO THE CAVERNOUS COOCH OF MY COHABITATION PARTNER, I HAD A BRIGHT IDEA - TO STROKE MY MASSIVE MANLY MEATSICLE OVER THE BURNING FORESTS OF YELLOWSTONE. FIRE SUPPRESANT MAY NOT STOP THE RAGING FLAMES, BUT MY COLLOSAL COCK CONGLOMERATE WOULD. DOUSING THE FLAMES IN GEORGE'S JOCKSTRAP JUICE WOULD CAUSE THE FLAMES TO IMMEDIATELY EXTINGUISH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT TREES AND SLICK SACK SAUCE WITHIN THE PINES. WHILE WOODLAND ANIMALS WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE TORRENTIAL RAINS OF MY SUPER SPOOGE SYRUP, THE FOREST RANGERS, IF FEMALE, WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE. I GUARANTEE IT Dance Dance Revolution I, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAPEROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT. Chuck Norris HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D BEEN HEARING ALOT LATELY ABOUT THE MERITS OF THIS CHUCK NORRIS FELLOW, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY HIM A VISIT- ZIMMER STYLE. AS I APPROACHED HIS HOUSE, I HEARD A TWIG SNAP BEHIND ME AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE CAME THE LEG OF THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK NORRIS. LUCKILY MY REFLEXES WERE TOO FAST FOR HIM. MY MASSIVE MASCULINE MEAT-PIPE BURST FORTH FROM MY FINELY-TAILORED TROUSERS, ENSNARING HIS LEG WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND ANACONDAS. HIS ONCE POWERFUL INSTRUMENT OF DEATH THUSLY DESTROYED, HE WAS COMPLETELY POWERLESS. I DECIDED THAT THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS WAS NOT UP TO ZIMMER STANDARDS, SO I DETERMINED TO DELIVER A MAKEOVER HE WOULDN'T SOON FORGET. HE BEGAN TO CRY LIKE A KITTEN UNDER A STEAMROLLER AS MY PULSATING PELVIC PILEDRIVER DELIVERED BLOW AFTER BLOW TO HIS EVER-SOFTENING SKULL. AS I FINISHED OFF MY FLESH-SCULPTURE, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FORMED HIS HEAD INTO THE SHAPE OF DEVIL'S TOWER. THE SHOCK CAUSED ME TO LET FORTH A FLOOD OF CAUSTIC COD CREME THAT BURNED OFF THAT RIDICULOUS STUBBLE HE CALLS A BEARD. HE'S UNCONCIOUS NOW, BUT HE'LL SOON WAKE UP. HE'S GONNA LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I GUARANTEE IT. Mentally Handicapped McDonald's Employee HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT. Virginity HI I�M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN�S WEARHOUSE. MY FIRST TIME WAS FANTASTIC. A YOUNG GIRL WAS SUMMONED TO MY PRIVATE CHAMBERS, DEEMED WORTHY TO BE THE FIRST CONQUEST OF THE NEW ZIMMER HEIR. I REACHED MY FULL RAGING HEIGHT WITHIN SECONDS AS BLOOD FLOODED INTO MY FEMUR-SIZED FLOOR BREAKER. THE HALF TERRIFIED GIRL QUIVERED WITH ANTICIPATION AS I SHED MY SUIT, THE PINACLE OF TAILORING TRIUMPH. BEFORE SHE COULD SCREAM WITH FEAR OR DELIGHT, I HAD ALREADY MANUEVERED WAIST DEEP INTO HER AS YET UNTOUCHED FEMININE FLOWER. I PLOWED HER PASSION PERSIMMON WITH THE INTENSITY OF A MASSIVE BULL STALLION. SHE WAS HELPLESS TO RESIST THE SUCCESSIVE WAVES OF INSEMINATING SENSUAL EXCTASY THAT EMANATED FROM MY MASSIVE MAN-CANNON. MY DEVASTING DAMSEL DESTROYER DEFTLY FILLED THE FULL LENGTH OF HER VAGINAL CAVITY. AFTER THIRTY TWO CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF PURE PUSSY POUNDING, I PROCEEDED TO PUMMEL HER POOPER WITH MY PATENTED PURE� OF POTENT PROGENY-MAKERS. THE WENCH WAS UNABLE TO WALK FOR WEEKS AFTER BEING SUBJECTED TO MY UNSTOPPABLE UNDERGARMENT DESTROYER. APPROACHING THE THIRD DAY OF RELENTLESS RAIDING OF HER WET WOMANHOOD, I FINALLY GAVE IN TO HER PLEAS FOR PAUSE. AS SHE ROSE TO LEAVE MY ROOM, I WHIPPED MY PRIME CUT OF POWERFUL POLE-MEAT ACROSS THE ROOM, AND FILLED HER WITH ENOUGH SEMEN TO GIVE HER A LIFETIME ZIMMER EXPERIENCE. THAT WOMAN WAS YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT. The Real Zimmer, Part Five HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT COMMITTED TO SHOWING ASPIRING ZIMMERS SUCH AS THE ORIGINAL POSTER THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE. WITH MY PROVEN CRASH COURSE, HE'LL LEARN VOLUMES OF PAINFULLY ENFORCED KNOWLEDGE AS I CLUTCH 800 SOLID INCHES OF AUTHORITY INTO HIS TIGHTLY KNIT ASSHOLE. HE'LL GRADUATE AT THE TOP OF HIS CLASS WHILE I WEAVE A FINELY TAILORED 3-BUTTON ONE PIECE BUSINESS SUIT OUT OF HIS NUBILE, VIRGIN NETHER REGIONS. YOU TOO, CAN BE A ZIMMER. I GUARANTEE IT. Mrs. Zimmer HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY I WAS AT HOME, HELPING MY WIFE TO A HANDSOME HELPING OF MY HAIRY HOT DOG. AS SHE SQUIRMED BENEATH MY GENEROUS GIRTH, I NOTICED A FAMILIAR IMAGE ON THE TV - ME. AS I LEANED TOWARD THE TELEVISION, THE IMAGE OF MY DAPPER SUIT CAUSED MY LUSCIOUS LOINS TO PUMP INTO OVERDRIVE. I SMASHED INTO MY WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE TED KENNEDY OFF A PIER, AND SOON FOUND MYSELF REACHING ORGASM TO MY HANDSOME VOICE. I SHOT FORTH A GARGANTUAN GOURD OF GODLIKE GROUPINGS, SPLATTERING MY WIFE IN MORE EGG WHITE THAN A CHINESE COOK'S HANDS. I GUARANTEE IT. Supermarket HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. YESTERDAY I WAS STROLLING IN THE SUPERMARKET WHEN A FLIRTATIOUSLY FUCKABLE FEMALE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE BURLY BULGE IN MY BOXERS. AS SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF I ALREADY HAD HER HEAVENLY HOMOLOGOUS HIPS PINNED TO THE WALL WITH MY LIMBER LOCOMOTIVE OF LIBIDO. SHE MOANED WHILE MY SUMPTUOUS SEXY SERPENTINE SEMEN-SYRINGE VICIOUSLY VIOLATED HER VAGINA AFTER ASSAULTING AN ARRAY OF HER ORIFICES. WHEN I RETIRED FROM RAVAGING HER RAVENOUS RAVINES OF REPRODUCTION I PUMPED PINT AFTER PINT OF PALE PENIS-PUDDING DEEP INSIDE HER CAVERNOUS CUM-CRATER. SHE CAME SO HARD, THE STORE IS STILL FULL OF WET FLOOR SIGNS. I GUARANTEE IT. Miniskirt HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. ONE FINE DAY AS I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET I SPIED A WOMAN IN A MINISKIRT THAT WAS BENDING DOWN TO GET A NEWSPAPER. AS SHE DID I HAD A PERFECT ANGLE AT THOSE ROUND, WHITE, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING, FIRM ASS CHEEKS. IT WAS AT ABOUT THIS POINT THAT WHAT ONCE WAS A FLACCID APPENDAGE BETWIXT MY LEGS BECAME A QUIVERING YET RIGID BATON GENERATING ENOUGH HEAT THAT THE GRASS AROUND ME TURNED BROWN AND BURST INTO FLAMES. THE CHEAP VINYL PANELING MELTED ONTO ITSELF LIKE A 3RD DEGREE BURN. BEFORE SHE COULD GET AWAY I RAMMED MY SHILLELAGH INTO UNDULATING, PULSATING, CUNT ONLY FOR HER TO SPRAY MY CUDGEL DOWN WITH GALLONS OF HER GOODY-GOODY-PUSSY-GOO. WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO SHOOT THE SHERBERT I THREW HER TO THE GROUND AND CAME ON HER BACK SO HARD IT SLID HER TWENTY FEET DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND WITH SUCH A VELOCITY THAT IT HAD THE EFFECT OF SANDBLASTING THE CONCRETE CLEAN OF DOGSHIT AND BUBBLE GUM. THE SCENT OF IT COULD BE SMELLED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY AND ANYONE WHO INHALED WAS INSTANTLY CURED OF ANY SINUS INFECTIONS THEY HAD. I GUARANTEE IT. Sexcapades HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I COME BEARING YOU YET ANOTHER STORY OF SEXUAL ESCAPADES, TO BE FROM NOW ON KNOWN AS "SEXCAPADES" OF ME AND MY GOLDEN GARGANTUAN GASH GRINDER. THE STORY STARTS ABOUT THREE WEEKS TUESDAY AGO, I WAS CALMLY STROLLING THE CITY JUST OUTSIDE OF THE PARK, WHEN IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SAW A MOTHER BREAST FEEDING HER CHILD. NATURALLY WHEN I SEE A SIGHT I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LET IT BE, BUT THIS, THIS WOMAN, I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT PRE-PLOWED PINK PLEASURE-HOLE TO BE TORTURED ANY LONGER, I FLEXED MY MIGHTY MAN MEAT MAULER SO IT'D RIP RIGHT THROUGH MY BRAND NEW SUIT PANTS AND AS MY TEN-TONNE TENTANOUS TORPEDO QUICKLY HASTENED TOWARDS HER BABY CANNON THERE WAS A BRIEF MOMENT OF SHOCK, AWE, FEAR, AND GRANDEUR. SHE HURLED THE BABY AWAY AND SPREAD WIDE HER LEGS FOR DOCKING, IT WAS MERE MINUTES BEFORE MY FLOPPING FLESH FLOUNDER LET LOOSE A GEYSER OF CONTINUOUS CORPULENT CHILD COCKTAIL. I THEN LEFT HER IN THE PARK COVERED, SHE STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SO WELL SHE'LL NEVER GET THE EXPERIENCE AGAIN. I GUARANTEE IT. bel air HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN�T RESIST MY PLOW AND I�D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT YOU�LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS�I GUARANTEE IT IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED POLISHING MY PISTOL�S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, �I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE�. SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, �I SHOULD MAKE MEN�S SUITS IN TEXAS�. I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID �OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR�. SAID I TO THE CABBIE �I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!� SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN�T QUIT AND THAT�S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, �I GUARANTEE IT!� I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT�S HOW I CAME TO SAY, �I GUARANTEE IT�. mancano
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